Cut
by jsquare
Summary: Spencer feels guilty about the car accident. She begins to cope with her guilt by cutting herself. She eventually meets ashley when her family moves to L.A. Can ashley help her cope in a different way? Eventual Spashley. Femslash.
1. Trouble

**Hey everyone!!! This is my first story so please don't be too hard on me. Well here it is!! Please enjoy!**

Trouble

Pain and regret is all I seem to feel now days. Ever since that stupid party my life has been a mess. A night of fun soon turned into a night that I would give anything to forget. Why did I go to that party? I'll tell you why. I was so determined to finally find myself that I was willing to lie and sneak out to do it. By find myself I mean find out if I am gay or not. I had not really thought about it until just a month ago.

There was this new girl in my math class. Being in a small town in nothing Ohio kind of made it a big deal that we had a new student from Brazil of all places. Why anyone would want to move here I don't know. To say this girl was gorgeous was and understatement. She had long golden hair and legs that went on for days. Her face was a perfected masterpiece that was one of a kind and sun kissed skin like honey. She even had blue eyes that could put mine to shame. Seriously.

On her first day of school, everyone wanted to get to know her. My brother Glen defiantly had his eyes set on her. He was the basketball star at school and I was just his shy little sister. We were surprisingly close considering the major difference between our social statuses at school. At lunch he told me about this girl that was "totally hot". I couldn't hide the eye roll that followed. I just zoned out the rest of lunch while my brother described "the girl of his dreams" and his plan to make her fall in love with him. When the bell rang, I couldn't have been happier. I aimlessly walked to my sixth period, which was math. I didn't have any real friends in there.

When I walked through the door of my class, I looked up and saw that someone was. Once I finally got to my seat, in the back corner of the room, I finally realized whom it was. She must be the new girl because I had never seen her before. I was going to tell her that she was sitting in my seat but I couldn't seem to form the words. All I could do was stare at her with my mouth wide open.

This girl was beautiful. I can't believe that my brother was actually right. Instead of making myself look like an even bigger idiot, I decided to settle in the desk next to her. Ms. Garner quickly called the roll and I heard that her name was Anna Rose. That was by far the most beautiful name I had ever heard. When it was time to take notes, I felt a light feather touch on my shoulder. I turned to see that Anna was looking at me with amusement in her eyes and a smile on her face.

"Hey", she said with a smile. All I could do was continue to stare at her. Her ocean blue eyes mesmerized me. I think now would be a good time to answer her before she thinks I'm completely crazy.

"Um…. H-hi", I choked out. She blushed and giggled. Wow even her giggle is beautiful. I wonder why she is blushing.

"Do you have a pen that I could borrow", she asked shyly.

I instantly got butterflies in my stomach. Whoa!!! What was that? I guess it was something I ate at lunch. Yeah that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I nodded and gave her a pen out of my bag. The rest of the class period went on uneventful. Once the bell rang I started to gather all of my things and stopped instantly when I felt the feather light touch on my shoulder again. I composed myself and turned around slowly.

"I didn't catch your name earlier".

Okay her accent is even hot. Did I just think that? "Um… Spencer, Spencer Carlin", I stuttered.

She just smiled at me and handed me my pen back. "Thanks for the pen. I was afraid to ask anyone else".

"It was no problem". Wow I didn't I didn't stutter that time!!! Yay Spencer!?

"I know you barely know me but I caught a glance at your schedule and saw that we have the next two classes together and I was wondering if I could maybe walk with you", she asked me while biting her lip and playing with her fingers. When she looked up at me and I looked into her blues eyes. All I could do was nod.

At that moment I realized two things. One is that I could not say no to this girl. Second is that she was gonna defiantly change things for me.

Yep I am defiantly in trouble.

Hey everyone!!! thanx for reading my story. Remember that this is my first story. I hope I did it justice!!! R&R please!!!!


	2. Feelings

**Hey everyone!! Here is the new update!!! Hope you enjoy!**

Feelings

It has been two weeks since I met Anna. We have become so close. These past two weeks have been the happiest days of my life. We hang out everyday. It just seems like we have known each other all our lives. I feel like I can tell her anything without giving it a second thought. Since the moment that we locked eyes there has been a spark between us.

Lately we have been having these conversations with our eyes where we stare at each other and see everything we are feeling or want to say in each other's eyes. It is kind of weird and refreshing at the same time. I still get butterflies every time she hugs me or holds my hand. Usually I would think holding another girl's hand was weird but with her it wasn't. I guess I kind of just expect it from her. She comes off shy at first but once she opens up she is a free spirit. I can't imagine life without her now.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now but I somehow always end up thinking about her. Thinking about her is just like breathing, I cant help but do it. Over the last few days I have come to accept the fact that I have a crush on my best friend. And I think that she may have feelings for me too.

My vibrating phone startles me and I nearly fall off my bed. When I finally compose myself and see who is calling, a smile spreads across my face. A picture of Anna making a funny face pops up on my screen. God this girl is adorable.

I answer the phone and I am instantly met with Anna's high-pitched excited voice. "SPENCE!!! OMG. You are not gonna believe this!!"

I just laugh. She could be so ADD sometimes. "Well hello to you too Ann. What is up with the chipmunk voice?"

"Hahaha. Very funny. Anyways, you are never gonna guess what I found out today!!"

"Well in that case, there's no reason for me to guess is there?" I said with a smirk. She hates it when I bring her down from her gossip highs.

"Okay Spencer Carlin you are totally bringing me down right now."

Okay she just used my full name so she must be getting annoyed with me. "Sorry. Okay what is it that you have to tell me?"

"Well that senior guy Connor… something is having a huge party tonight. His parents are gone all weekend and he has the whole house to himself. Isn't this perfect?"

"Why is it perfect?"

"Well I have never been to an American party. Plus I haven't seen you in like forever."

"Anna we saw each other 3 hours ago at school!!" I reply with a smile. She is so crazy sometimes.

"I know but I totally miss my Spencie and I really want to hang out with you tonight."

I just know she is sporting a major pout right now. "Okay, I will ask my mom after dinner."

"Thank you, that is all I ask for. Text me with her answer later."

"Will do"

"Bye. Love you Spencie."

Wow she has never said those words to me before. Now I totally have to go tonight. I wonder if I should say it back. Before I was able to reply, my phone beeped signaling that she hung up. Well all I have to do now is ask mom.

Later at dinner I lost all nerve to ask her. There was a small chance that she would say no and I couldn't handle rejection right now. I just wanted to hang out with Anna right now. Is that so bad? As soon as I got up stairs my phone rang signaling that I had a new text.

Anna: Hey! U ask UR mom?

Spencer: No but sneaking out anyways

Anna: Ok R U sure?

Spencer: yep

Anna: Alrite pick U up in 20

I took a quick shower and threw on a short denim skirt, my light blue Hollister shirt to bring out my eyes and my white chucks. A few minutes later I saw a light flashing in my window. I raced over and looked down to see Anna smiling up at me. I slowly climbed down the tree out side my window and hopped into Anna's black mustang.

As we drove off, I got this weird feeling that something bad was about to happen. I just shrugged it off as nerves. Tonight was the night that I was gonna tell Anna how I felt. I just hope she feels the same.

**Well there you go!!! Tell me what you think. In the next chapter is where al the pieces come together. Will Anna feel that same or will she run away? R&R please!! The more reviews I get, the sooner I update!! **


	3. Crash

Here is the new update!!! I worked really hard on this chapter. I hope I don't disappoint you!!!

Crash

As soon as we pulled up to the party I could feel the music pulsating through the car. Connor lived on a farm on his own land so there weren't any other houses for miles. Anna parked and the turned to look at me.

"Spencer are you sure about tonight? I can take you back if you want."

"Why wouldn't I be okay about tonight?"

"I don't know. I just keep getting this nervous vibe from you and you haven't said a word since we left your house."

I looked up to see her looking down and playing with her hands. I have come to realize that this is one of her nervous habits. I reached over to lift her head up to look at me. "Ann. What's wrong?"

"I don't know. Something is different with us and I don't know what it is."

"What do you mean?"

"Well lately I have been having these weird feelings."

"Weird good or weird bad?"

"Defiantly weird good." She finally looked up at me and smiled. When I looked into her eyes there were tears in here eyes but most importantly fear. I wonder what could have my beautiful friend so upset that she wont even tell me. I reached over and wiped a stray tear away with my thumb.

"Will you please tell me what is bothering you?"

"I have been trying to tell you for a week now but I am too afraid to say it out loud."

"Well you could always text it to me" I said trying to lighten the mood. She just looked at me for a few minutes and then took off toward the crowded house. I quickly followed but as soon as I made it inside, I lost her in the crowd of sweaty bodies. I looked around for her until I finally gave up hope.

What in the world could be bothering her so much? I have to find her. Maybe I should check the kitchen again. I walked into the kitchen and saw my brother Glen with a cup in his hand and talking to some girl. I quickly raced over to him.

"Glen." He looked up at me clearly wasted.

"Speeeeeeennnceeerrr. What up lil sis?"

"Glen have you seen Anna?"

"Do mom and dad know you are at this party?"

"GLEN!!! I so don't have time for this right now. Have you seen Anna?"

He quickly sobered up when he heard the tone of my voice. "Um… yeah she is out on the back deck."

"Thanks Glen"

I then ran off to find my girl. As soon I got to the back deck, I saw her on the swing crying. I cautiously walked over to her and sat down on the swing. We sat in silence swinging for a while until she finally spoke.

" Spence I'm sorry for running off like that."

"No I should have never joked like that. Anna you know you can tell me anything right?"

"I know but I'm just really scared and I need you to be here with me right now."

I slowly took her hand, intertwined our fingers and kissed her hand. "Always. I promise"

She just nodded and continued. "Spencer…….. I really like you. Every time you stare at me it's as if you see right through to my soul. No one has ever looked at me like that until you. I cant go a day without seeing your face or hearing you voice. I like the way you always try to lighten the mood with your humor and the way that you just get me. I guess what I am trying to say is…" She turned to look at me and squeezed my hand. "Spencer Carlin. I think I am in love with you. Please tell me that you feel the same."

She looked at me expectantly. Wow I cant believe that this beautiful girl just told my that she is in love with me. I am so speechless right now. I thought I was gonna be the one to confess my feelings. I can't form any words right now so I do the next best thing. I kissed her. Every thing that I was feeling showed in that one kiss. She soon began to kiss me back with just as much passion. I then backed away so we could breathe.

"I guess I'll take that as a yes"

I nodded and pecked her lips before standing. "How about we go back to your place?"

She nodded and we walked back to her car hand in hand. Right before we got to her car, I froze in place. OMG. This can not be happening. What are they doing here? My parents were right beside Anna's car waiting. I quickly dropped Anna's hand and regretted it the second I did it. "Mom, Dad. What are you doing here?"

"Well I came up to say goodnight and found an empty bed. So then I called Anna's mom and she told me about the party. I am your mother Spencer. You could have just asked me." I just looked down. I had no response for her.

My dad came over and took my hand. I looked up to see concern and disappointment in his eyes. "Come on, lets all go home."

Before I followed them to the car, I turned to tell Anna goodbye. She looked at me with understanding. "Anna can we talk later?" She just nodded and walked back to her car and drove off.

When I got into the car my parents were arguing. I just tried to tune them out the best I could and recap what happened tonight. Anna and I were finally together. Wait are we together? What are we? I'll make sure to ask her about it later. I was soon brought out of my inner musing by my mother. "Spencer how could you be so reckless!?" she asked as she turned to look at me. "PAULA!!" "MOM!!" my dad and I said simultaneously as our car suddenly lost control and flipped off the side of the road. The last thing I saw was my mom looking at me with a bloody face before I blacked out.

Hey guys!! How did you like it? I hope it was up to your standards. It took me all day to right this. R&R please!!! It totally makes my day and makes me want to post faster.


	4. Inevitable Dreams

_I awoke with a bright light in my eyes. Where am I? Am I dead? I can't be dead because my head is killing me. It feels like it has its own pulse. If only I could open my eyes then I could find out where I am. I slowly open my eyes to a bright light shining in my eye. Where is that light coming from? Once my eyes finally focused, I realized that the light was coming from the headlights of the car. _

_That's when it all came back to me. Anna told me that she was in love with me and then my parents came and got me from the party. Oh My God! We were in a car crash! Where are my parents? I start to frantically look around for them but found it hard to stand. I looked down and saw shards of glass sticking out of my leg. I tried to pull them out but quickly realized that was a bad idea. It felt like my leg was on fire. While inspecting my leg I heard a moan. I looked around in the dark and found my dad lying in the grass._

_I pulled myself up and hopped all the way over to him. He had cuts all over his face and body. There was blood everywhere. I gently poked him but he didn't respond. "Dad please wake up. I need you. Please come back to me. I love you daddy," I sobbed on his chest. I could feel a faint heartbeat so at least he is still alive. I then began to look for my mom. She was lying where I had once lain._

_I hopped over to her to see if she was still alive but when I got to her she was not moving. She was looking at me with expressionless eyes. I bent over and put my ear to her mouth to see if she was breathing. All of a sudden she pulls me by my collar on top of her. Then she whispers faintly to me. "Spencer this is your fault that I am dead. I will never forgive you" she chokes out and then she lets me go and breathe one last breath. I am left there all alone crying over her body and asking for forgiveness._

This is the dream that I have every night. I always wake up in a cold sweat screaming. Usually Glen would come and sleep with me after I would have these inevitable dreams. It has been 6 months since the accident. After the crash, we buried mom and 3 months later we moved to L.A. for my dad. He survived the crash but has been in a coma ever since. There was a specialist in L.A. that could help him so we moved. I may have killed one parent but there was no way I was gonna lose both of them.

Glen constantly told me that it wasn't my fault but I just couldn't believe him. If it wasn't for me we would still be a happy family and maybe Anna and I would be together. Anna. I haven't thought about her in months. After everything that happened, I pushed her away. I just couldn't look at her without getting mad or upset. She just always reminded me of that night and how my last moments of happiness was with her and not my parents. What if Anna and I never became friends? What if my parents had never shown up that night? These questions keep running through my head.

My brother and I live in a 2-bedroom apartment in L.A. Glen graduated and was offered a basketball scholarship to play for the USC Trojans. I am so proud of him but given the current circumstances, I never really told him. He has been taking car if me the best he can while also juggling basketball and school. I don't know how he does it. I have not found a way to cope with everything yet. I think that by Glen being so busy all the time that he doesn't have time to think about what happened.

I just started school a week ago but Glen started a month ago. I convinced him to let me start school a little later so I could cope with things. I am far from being myself again but I am gradually getting better.

I hope.

* * *

Sorry everyone for the delay. I promise it will not happen again. i had writers block for a while and then senior stuff just piled up on me. i was feeling very overwhelmed. Now that I am caught up the story will be updated faster.

Spencer and Ashley will meet in the next chapter so things will start to pick up. Again sorry for the delay. Please review.*Muah*


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello Fan fiction land!!! Sorry for the long wait! It is senior year and things are a little crazy!! Graduation is coming soon and I have been getting ready. I only have like another week and a half of school left so I should be able to update almost everyday after graduation!!! Well here is the next chapter. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

**A Way to Cope**

2 years later………….

I watch as the thick crimson liquid seeps from my wrist and creeps agonizingly slow down my arm. As soon as the cold metal blade made contact with my heated skin, I felt relief. But it only lasts for a little while. The cutting has become more frequent lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am stressed about school or the fact that my father still hasn't awaken from his coma. Or maybe it's the fact that I wear a mask day in and day out to hide my inner turmoil.

What puzzles me is the fact that I cant even remember when this all started. If someone had told me two years ago that I was going to become a cutter, I would have laughed at them. "Why would anyone want to hurt themselves on purpose?" I'd have asked them. "How can pain make a person feel better?" But that was before I became addicted to cutting.

It started when this guy, Derrick, showed me something at school that changed my life forever. He was wearing these really cool leather wristbands, I asked him where they were from, but instead of telling me he showed me something terrifying. He took off the wristband and showed me his wrist. It was bleeding and covered in tiny cuts. "Oh my God, are you ok?" I asked him. "How did that happen?" "I did it to myself," he whispered. "A lot of people do it, it helps when I get stressed, it makes things feel better." Then he showed me all the razors he carried around.

A few months later when Glen and I had got into a fight I decided to take a shower to help me relax. When the shower didn't work I spotted my razor lying by the sink. I slowly walked towards it and reached for it. The moment I grabbed the razor, Derrick's words ran through my mind. I slowly lifted the razor to my arm and gently ran the razor across my skin and watched as blood started to flow out. At first the cut started to burn and them it became numb. In that instance I felt lighter and forgot all about the fight Glen and I had just had.

Glen had questioned me about the cut on my arm but I just told him that I had fell and cut myself. He believed me and never brought it up again. I started cutting myself regularly after that. I bought a pair of leather wristbands to hide the cuts. I would wear them as tight as possible to help stop the pain. It was so painful; it was like a throbbing, roaring pain. I could sort of hear it in my ears. There was something about it that was weirdly comforting though as well.

I wipe the blood away and put my leather wristband back on. When I came out of the bathroom, Glen was coming through the door. "Hey sis. How was your day?"

"It was alright. College is so stressful sometimes. Especially during your freshman year." I said with a sigh.

"Who are you telling? My freshman year was nothing but stress. I had to juggle basketball, classes and looking after a moody teenager.' He said with a hint of humor.

I looked at him apologetically. "Hey. I'm sorry about that. I was guilt tripping myself and didn't even think of how it was affecting you. I know I didn't make things easier on you with the move and stuff."

"No you didn't but don't worry about it. I'm your big brother and I love you. Looking out for you is my job. So don't worry about it. All that matters is that we are moving forward now." He says with the famous Carlin smile.

"Your right. I never told you this Glen but…… I am proud of you. I love you big bro!!!" I say as I run towards him and hug him while kissing his cheek.

"Hey enough of the mushy stuff! I have a rep to protect you know." I roll my eyes and make my way to my room.

"Hey Spence!"

I quickly turn around. "Yeah?"

"I love you too" I smile and close the door to my room, as I get ready for bed. The throbbing in my arm a constant reminder.

* * *

**Please R&R. It totally makes my day!!!**


	6. The Ugly Truth

**Here is the next update! Hope you enjoy!**

The Ugly Truth

I am so bored right now. I don't even know why I picked this class. It has nothing to do with what I want to major in. This class is 2 hours long and I have spaced out the entire time. The razor blade in my pocket feels like it weighs a ton. I have been fumbling around with it for the past hour. I look up at the clock and see that we have 5 minutes left of class.

The professor finally finishes his lecture and dismisses us. I gather up my things and bolt for the door. Just as I am about to cross the threshold, a hand stops me. I turned around to find the owner of the hand and figure out why they stopped me. It is professor Scott. I look back down at his hand that is still attached to my forearm and back up to him. He quickly lets go and clears his throat.

"Ms. Carlin may I speak to you for a second?" I just nod my head and thank god that he didn't grab my wrist. "Spencer. May I call you Spencer?"

"Of course" I reply back with a shaky voice.

"It has come to my attention that you do well in all your classes except for this one. Do you have a problem with this class Spencer?"

I just stare at him a lost for words. There has got to be at least 100 students in this class. How does he even know my name? I mean is he keeping tabs on me or something? I guess being the sister of the schools star basketball player makes it hard to keep a low profile.

"No sir. I don't have a problem with this class"

"Well Spencer you are failing my class right now. You only have a few weeks until the semester exam. You have to make a good grade on that exam to pass this semester. I suggest that you get a tutor to help you."

As he is telling me all of this, the blade is getting heavier and heavier. I am so anxious to get out of here right now. "Is that all sir?"

"Yes that is all. You are free to go."

I smile and nod my head. In less than 2 minutes I am in the nearest bathroom. I check under all the stalls to make sure no one is in there. Once I confirm that no one is in there I lock the door and go into a stall. I pull the blade out of my pocket and stare at it. It stills has a little bit of dried blood on it from this morning. I remove the leather wristband with shaky hands and place the blade on a part of my wrist that hasn't been cut yet. I slowly drag it across my skin and feel relief as I watch the blood trickle from my wrist.

I suddenly begin to cry and I don't know why. The cutting just doesn't deem enough comfort now days. I feel good until the cut goes numb and I can't feel anything anymore. I sit in the stall and cry myself to sleep.

A beating sound wakes me out of my slumber. I look around and realize that I am still in the bathroom stall. How long have I been in here? I quickly check my phone and realize that I have been sleep for 4 hours. I also see that I have 3 missed calls, 1 text, and 2 voicemails from Glen. As I stare at my phone, another beating sound catches my attention. I slowly make my way toward the door to unlock it. I quickly side step the gawking janitor on the other side of the door and made my way down the hallway ignoring his numerous calls for me to stop.

About 30 minutes later I finally make it home to a pissed off Glen. "Spencer where in the HELL have you been? I have calling you none stop for hours. Your last class was over hours ago!"

Wow I have never seen him this mad. Well what should I tell him? I cant tell him that barricaded myself in the bathroom after I cut myself, got all emotional, and then fell asleep. He is already stressed enough and telling him the truth is not gonna help. Think, think. Oh I got it. "I'm sorry Glen. Professor Scott told me that my grades were not good so I got a tutor. We were at the library studying so I turned my phone to silent. Sorry to make you worry." Wow that was really quick thinking. I just hope him believes it. I mean it is half way true.

"Oh. Well next time do you could call and give me a heads up next time? I was really worried about you Spence."

"I am so sorry Glen. I'll make sure to call next time."

He walks over to me and wraps me up in a big bear hug and kisses my forehead. " I am headed to bed. There is pizza in the oven if you want it. I also got you tickets to my game tomorrow. Will you come? Please?" he begged with the signature Carlin pout and head tilt.

I just laugh and shake my head. "Of course I will be there bro. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Unless I got like kidnapped by some psycho or abducted by aliens!" I say with mock horror.

"Hahaha very funny. I'm sure they would eventually get tired of you and bring you back. It is nice to hear you laugh again Spence." He said with all seriousness. " Goodnight baby sis. Don't stay up too late."

" Goodnight big bro."

I quietly grab some pizza and head back to my room. I hate lying to Glen but right now I am protecting him from the ugly truth. I don't think he can take another hit. I just have to keep this hidden for the time being or maybe forever. Well I guess I am gonna have to actually go out and get a tutor tomorrow. Hope I find one.

I let out a big sigh and tighten my wristbands before sleep overcomes me and the nightmares begin.

Sorry for the delay guys! I just have been really lazy. Spencer and Ashley will meet in the next chapter. Please R&R! I crave it!


	7. Familiar Feelings

**SoSadSoHappy- Thanks for the review**

**Ashikinz- Thanks! I really wanted Glen to be really caring in this story.**

**Thanks to everyone else that have alerted or favorited(I really don't think that's a word ****) me or this story! Here is the new chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Familiar Feelings**

I can't wait until I graduate. These early morning classes are starting to take a toll on me. I pick my phone up from my nightstand and see that it is 7 o'clock in the morning. I sigh and mentally prepare myself for another mundane day. I quickly shower and get dressed before making my way into the kitchen for breakfast.

I guess Glen had another early practice. I walk to the refrigerator to see a small note stuck to the front:

Good morning Spence! I had morning practice again. Call me after you meet with your tutor so that we can go to the game together! Have a great day and try not to fall asleep in class! Luv ya

SHIT! I forgot about that whole tutor thing. Well I guess I will just stop by the student center after my first class. I grabbed a Pop Tart and a Red Bull before heading to class.

My Composition class went by fairly quickly. I made my way across campus to the student center. It took me like thirty minutes to walk there. Maybe I should have driven over here. Nah. I need the exercise anyway. As I walk into the student center I accidentally run into someone and fall flat on my back.

I groan and try to sit up but find it kind of difficult. I slowly open my eyes to see what is keeping me bolted to the floor. Inches away from my face are the most gorgeous brown eyes I have ever seen. We stare into each other's eyes until I guess recognition finally hits her and she quickly jumps off of me as if I had burned her.

I finally pull my self up and looked at the person that plowed me to the ground. As my eyes raked over her body, I realized that she was doing the same. I could only describe this girl in one word. HOT. She had beautiful chestnut brown hair that cascade around her heart shaped face, a toned body and flawless tanned sun kissed skin. I stopped my ogling when she coughed and reached her hand out for me to shake. I guess now would be a good time to say something.

"Hi. I am so sorry for running you over like that. I wasn't really paying attention. Are you okay?"

God her voice is sexy. "Ummm… y yeah I am okay. I wasn't really paying attention either. Are you okay?"

" Yeah I'm fine. Just a little embarrassed. My name is Ashley by the way."

" Spencer. Umm my name is Spencer." I am looking like such an idiot in front of this girl right now.

" Okay Spencer maybe I will see you around sometime?"

" I sure hope so." Wow did I just say that out loud? I guess so because she has this huge smile on her face. Even her smile is beautiful. Woah what was that fluttering feeling in my stomach? I haven't felt that since… _Anna._

Anna.

I haven't thought about her since…

My mood instantly changes and my smile fades. I think that Ashley noticed the sudden mood change because she looks like she is about to ask me what is wrong. For some reason I don't want to lie to this girl so before she even has the chance to ask me what is wrong, I quickly say goodbye and made my way to the front desk. I try to pretend that I didn't see the hurt and confused look on Ashley's face when I walked away.

I make it to the front desk to see a young blonde girl sitting behind it. She seems to be preoccupied with something because she doesn't even realize that I am standing here. I clear my throat and she jumps. Throwing her phone down in the process. She looks up blushing and gives me a shy smile.

"Sorry about that. I just got this new app on my phone and it is really fun. I don't know why I am telling you this because you probably don't care." She stops he rambling and sighs. Once she has calmed herself down she looks back up at me. "Sorry about that. Im Addison. What can I do for you?"

"Ummm…. Wow" I say trying not to laugh at the poor girl. " okay umm… I need a tutor. Preferably an experienced one"

"Okay. For what subject?"

"Western Philosophy"

She types something into the computer and looks to me. "Your just in luck. There is a miss Davies that just signed up to be a tutor for that class."

"Really? Wow I guess today is my lucky day. When are they available?"

"Considering they just signed up, they are totally free as of right now."

"Okay good. Well Addison can you contact them and tell them to meet me in the library in an hour?"

"Will do…."

"Spencer. Spencer Carlin." I reached my hand out and shook her hand. She actually has really soft hands but they are kind of small though.

"Okay Spencer. I will call them and tell them to meet you in the library within the next hour."

"Thanks Addison. See you later"

" Your welcome. Bye."

Well I guess I have some time to kill so I guess I will just go into the campus bookstore and then stop by Starbucks.

* * *

After I finished my delicious frappachino, I headed to the library. I checked the time before walking in. I'm five minutes late. Well I guess I just lost track of time. Drinking a frappachino will do that to you. It was so worth it. As soon as I make it into the library, I realized something. I probably should have asked Addison what my tutor looked like or at least if they were a girl or a boy. I slowly made my way to the huge librarians desk to ask if any tutors had come in yet.

"Excuse me miss but has a tutor just recently come through here?"

"Yes a young lady just signed in"

"Can you tell me where she is?"

"She went around the corner to the back table"

"Okay thank you"

"Your welcome dear"

I went where the librarian told me and saw a girl sitting at the table reading a book. I slowly made my way towards her as to not scare her. "Hi. You must be my tutor. My name is Spencer." At the sound of my voice the girl quickly looked up at me. I looked into her eyes and saw brown. "Ashley?"

She quickly closed her mouth and replied. "Hey Spencer"

When my name rolled off of her tongue, I felt a flutter in my stomach. A familiar feeling that I thought only one girl could give me. A girl I had left behind.

_Anna_

* * *

**Well there it is. I hope you liked it. Review and tell me what you want to happen between Spencer and Ashley in the next chapter. Love you guys!**


	8. Irreversible

**Elly1212**- yeah that chapter was weirdly cute and I wish my college was that helpful too. Thanx for the review!

**...Voice**- I was going to have them meet again in the next chapter but thought what the heck and made them meet twice in the same chapter. I haven't really figured out how I want Ashley to find out about Spencer's cutting yet. I would like to know your input on how you think she should find out. Thanx 4 the review!

**TillyTyler, HoboLoverOhDear, teenidiot**- Thanx for the story alerts and favorites!

**Here is the new chapter! Enjoy!**

**Last Chapter:**

_I went where the librarian told me and saw a girl sitting at the table reading a book. I slowly made my way towards her as to not scare her. "Hi. You must be my tutor. My name is Spencer." At the sound of my voice the girl quickly looked up at me. I looked into her eyes and saw brown. "Ashley?"_

_She quickly closed her mouth and replied. "Hey Spencer"_

_When my name rolled off of her tongue, I felt a flutter in my stomach. A familiar feeling that I thought only one girl could give me. A girl I had left behind. _

_Anna _

* * *

**Irreversible**

"Wow so you are my tutor?"

"Of course not. Your tutor just left complaining about how you were late" She said with a smirk.

"Seriously? I'm only like 10 minutes late. I don't remember passing anybody on my way in. Why was this Davies person complaining to you any way? I mean they could have just waited for me to get here and complain to my face like a man or woman or what ever they are." I abruptly stopped my rant when I was interrupted by Ashley's laughing. Wait why is she laughing? Do I have something in my teeth? Is there something on my face? "What is so funny?"

She couldn't answer me because she was laughing so hard. Ok she might be hot but no one laughs at Spencer Carlin! NO ONE! She finally calms herself down enough to answer my question. She looks up at me and practically falls out of her chair laughing again. Okay I so don't have to take this!

"Seriously Ashley if you don't tell me what is so funny, I'm just going to leave" I am so proud of myself. I actually kept a straight face when I said that. She is showing no sign of answering me so I turn on my heels and start to walk away. I get about three steps away before I feel a hand around my wrist stopping me. I instantly pull my arm back crying out in pain. I guess that instantly sobered her up because she is now frantically apologizing.

"Oh my gosh Spencer are you okay? I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I turn away from her so she can't see the pain on my face. God that hurt like a bitch. I'm starting to regret the fresh cuts from last night. I quickly compose myself so that she won't suspect anything and ask questions. I turn and look at her with a fake smile plastered across my face. I start to chuckle and she just looks at me with this confused and guilty look on her face. After a few minutes she takes a step towards me before speaking.

"Spencer are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

"Ashley I was joking with you. I'm totally fine."

"Are you sure? That seemed pretty convincing."

"I think I would know when I am joking or not."

"Well…. You really scared me. But I guess I deserved it."

"What do you mean you deserved it?"

"Well I kind of played a joke on you first." She said with a slight smirk on her gorgeous face.

" And may I ask what might that be?"

" I said that your tutor had left complaining about you being late when I am actually your tutor and didn't really care that you were late."

Realization then hit me. "So I'm going to take a wild guess and say that is why you were laughing so hard?" She looked up and nodded "Well I guess that we are even then. Should we get started Ms. Davies?"

"Sure Spencer"

For the next hour Ashley taught me all she knew about Western Philosophy. I'm starting to think that she doesn't know any more than I do. She does take good notes though. After I am done copying her notes, we just get to know each other. There is just something about her that draws me to her like a magnet. I don't understand it. It's a little freaky how I feel like I have known her all my life but it is also refreshing.

"So Ashley tell me about your family."

"Well my parents divorced when I was little. My mom is a clothing designer and my dad owns Everlasting Records. They both travel a lot so I moved around as a kid. What about your family?"

I instantly froze. I mean should I tell her about the accident? Am I ready to talk about it?

I think that Ashley sensed my uneasiness and assured me that I didn't have to talk about it.

"Spencer you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I totally understand."

"No...uuummm just give me a minute." She nodded her head and waited for me to speak. After a few minutes of silence Ashley reached across the table and squeezed my hand to urge me to talk. I sighed heavily and began my tragic story.

"Two years ago my parents and I were on our way home a- and…." I couldn't continue because I was crying so hard. Ashley quickly came around the table and wrapped me up in her arms. All I could do was hold her back as if my life depended on it. She rocked me back and forth whispering encouraging words in my ear. I soon began to calm down and just buried my face into the crook of her neck taking in all that was Ashley Davies.

She slowly pulled away and looked into my eyes. When brown met blue something magical happened. I for once didn't feel scared or like I had to hide who I really was. I just felt free. Its like she just lifted this huge burden off of my shoulders that I have been carrying around for 2 years. She then cupped my face and wiped the remaining tears away with the pad of her thumb.

"Spencer I just want you to know that you don't have to tell me anything that you are not ready for. I know we barely know each other but I would really like to get to know you better." She said with so much concern and compassion.

"Thank you Ashley. That really means a lot to me." I then looked away from her as I began to speak. "I really want to tell you about my family but I don't know if I want to relive it again." I said in a raspy sorrowful voice. Ashley then gently pulled my chin up so that she could look into my eyes.

"Spencer. The fact that you even want to tell me just means so much to me. It just shows how strong you are. Whenever you are ready to talk about it I will be here to listen."

All that I could do next was hug her and thank her over and over again. After a few minutes had gone by I reluctantly pulled away leaving our faces only inches apart. She cradled my face in her right hand as I leaned into her touch welcoming the feel of her soft hands. I lazily opened my eyes and connected with her warm brown ones. She instantly looked down at my lips and automatically licked her own. Just as she was starting to lean towards my face my phone went off signaling that I had a text. She slowly turned her head and sighed while letting go of my face in the process. I apologized and picked up my phone with anger. When I looked down at my phone I saw that I had a new text from Glen.

**Text: **_Spence where are u? The game starts in like 15 min._

**Reply:** _Sorry with tutor. Be there in 5 min._

I looked up to see Ashley packing her things up. " Hey Ashley I know this is really random and that you hardly know me but would you like to go to the basketball game with me?"

She looked up at me and smiled. "I would love to go to the game with you. I guess since I didn't drive that I am riding with you?"

"Yeah that's fine. We should probably get going. The game starts in 15 minutes."

"Okay. Lead the way."

As we walked to my car I realized something. What I was feeling for Ashley Davies was irreversible.

* * *

**How did you guys like the chapter? I didn't want Ashley to find out about the accident and the cutting so soon. I haven't figured out how I want her to find out yet but I am working on it. Tell me what you think. Please R&R. **


	9. Breathe Me

**MickieMelina4Eva**- No I don't think you have ever left me a review but better late than never right? Lol. I just don't think that Spencer is ready to talk about her family just yet or is she? Thanks for the review.

**Elly1212**- Thanks for the review. I totally understand where you are coming from about Ashley's reaction. I wouldn't know what to do either but there is a perfectly good reason for the way that she reacted and it just might shock you.

**...Voice**- I loved your review and I am glad that you love the story. I am defiantly going to pick through your mind more often because you have great ideas! Thanks bunches!

**Domino lavendel**- I love how sweet Ashley and Glen are to Spencer also. Thanks for the review!

**SoSadSoHappy-** Thanks!

**Chillsfoxy, domino lavendel, nightwish fan, Stacy8807, IhEaRtSpAsHlEy, honesteyes12, charleyc, NikyL**- Thanks for the favorites and alerts!

**Okay guys here is the next Chapter! Enjoy!**

* * *

**Breathe Me**

It has been three months since I met Ashley Davies. We have been inseparable since Glen's basketball game. It is so nice to finally have some one to talk to other than Glen. I haven't had a real friend since I moved out here. I still haven't told her about the accident yet. I have wanted to tell her so many times but once it's out there I can't take it back. I don't want things to change between us or for her to look at me differently. I don't want anyone's pity. I just like that when I'm with her nothing else matters and I can forget everything that's happened if only for a little while. Glen sitting next to me on the couch interrupts my inner musings.

"Hey what's up Spence?"

I sigh heavily before I reply "Nothing much. Just thinking"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I think… I think that I might be ready to tell Ash about the accident."

We sit in silence for a while before Glen finally speaks. "Are you sure about this?"

"Maybe? Yes? No? I don't know….but I do know one thing. Ashley is the closest thing I've had to a best friend since I moved out here. I can't risk losing her just because I am afraid to relive that night all over again. I mean I relive that night every single time I sleep or close my eyes. I just think she deserves to know. I don't know maybe she will be able to help me cope with it."

Glen looks at me with this knowing look. "Is that the only reason you want to tell her?"

Okay he has totally lost me. What is he even talking about? Why else would I want to tell her? I guess he takes my silence and confused look as his sign to continue.

"I mean come on Spence. You cant think that I am that stupid. I've seen you two together and it is obvious that you like each other."

I immediately jump up and turn on him. "What? Where is this even coming from."

" I don't know…. I guess I see the way she looks at you. Like you are the most precious thing in the world. I also see the way you look at her. Like she is your life raft and is the only thing keeping you from drowning."

I take a minute to think of what he has just said. Do I have feelings for her? I start to think about her chocolate brown eyes and how they reflect every emotion she is feeling. I think about how her smiles make me forget my own name or what I was about to say. I think of how I don't have to think around her. I can just be myself. My head is spinning right now with all this new information and emotions. I am so preoccupied with my thoughts that I almost don't see Glen getting ready to leave.

"And where do you think your going? You can't just leave me here after telling me something like that."

" I promised Madison that we would hang out tonight...after I go see dad at the hospital."

"Oh"

Glen walks over to me and gives me a reassuring hug. " You know it would be great if you would come with me"

I pull away from him and give him a pleading look begging him not to  
bring it up. " Glen...I'm not going to talk about this right now"

Glen shrinks back as if I have physically slapped him. I can see tears welling up in his eyes and his face turning red. A clear sign that he is totally pissed off right now. " if not now then when Spence? You  
never want to talk about it. I mean did you forget the reason that we moved out here? You haven't seen dad in TWO YEARS! I go to see him every week. Look I understand that it may be hard but-"

I quickly cut him off and stand up livid. " Are you fucking serious right now? You have no fucking idea what I have to go through everyday. The guilt that I carry around or how I hide behind a mask day in and day out to spare you the guilt and hurt. I'm the reason that mom is dead. I'm the reason that our father is in some hospital bed like a fucking vegetable. So don't fucking tell me you understand because you don't understand shit! There is no way I'm going to sit here and let you guilt trip me because I get enough of it from myself as it is!" I hysterically yell. I am so mad right now that I can't even cry.

There is complete silence in the room. We are both hurt and angry. I hate that I just attacked Glen like that but its like I just snapped. He was basically throwing the fact that I haven't seen dad in my face. I know I should go see him but I'm just not ready. Glen sighing makes me look up at him.

"Look we have both said some things that we didn't mean. I'm sorry for bringing up dad. That really wasn't my place. We both need time to cool off so I'm going to stay at Madison's. If you need anything just call me." The next thing I here is the door slamming and then I'm left alone. As soon as I hear Glen pull away I finally break down and cry. I don't know how I even have tears left after all these years. All that I know is I cant be alone right now. I don't really trust myself being alone. So I search for my phone and decide to call Ashley. It rings a few times before I here her lovely voice.

"Hey you"

"Hey Ash"

"What's wrong Spence? You sound like you have been crying."

"Glen and I just got into a fight. Do you think you could come over?"

"Sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Thanks Ash" I quickly hang up the phone and wait for her to get here.

* * *

About 20 minutes later I hear a knock at the door. I frantically wipe at my face to remove any remaining tears and check my reflection before opening the door to reveal a concerned Ashley. I step aside to let her in. She has movies in one hand and a bag of junk food in the other. She quickly put everything down and engulfs me in a big bear hug. I bury my face into her neck and sigh contently. She then reluctantly pulls away to look me in the eyes.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"Glen and I got into a fight and it got pretty intense."

"May I ask what it was about?"

"Just family stuff"

"Oh. Ummmm…..where is Glen anyway?"

"He decided to stay at Madison's tonight."

"Are they like together?"

"Yeah they just started dating"

"Well okay enough with the heavy. I brought movies and snacks. You sounded so down on the phone that I thought that I would cheer you up!"

"Thanks Ash. What movies did you bring?"

"Well I have 10 Things I Hate About You, The Hangover, and Superbad. I figured you needed a good laugh. So which movie do you want to look at first?"

"uuummmm….. I think I'll start with 10 Things I Hate About You."

"Nice Choice. Julia Stiles' vapidness made her totally hot in this movie."

"I couldn't agree more"

We are now halfway into Superbad when I notice how close Ashley and I have gotten. My head is on her shoulder and I am practically sitting in her lap. I don't think she minds though. Every now and then I can hear her contently sigh before she snuggles more into me. I love moments like these. Where we can just be without thinking and analyzing anything. It's like her and I have created this little bubble around us and nothing else matters. I shift in her lap to get more comfortable and lay my head in the crook of her neck. She stiffens before relaxing and putting her hands around me.

"Spence?"

"Yea?" I look up at her and see fear in her eyes. It kind of scares me a little.

"I-I have t-to tell you something." she stutters out. Why is she so nervous right now? Did I do something wrong?

"You can tell me anything Ash."

Just as she is about to speak again her phone rings. She quickly grabs it and looks at the caller id. "I'm sorry I have to take this. It will just take a second." I nod and watch her walk out of the room. After a few minutes I decide to get a blanket from my room before she gets back. The closer I get to my room I can hear Ashley talking. Once I make it to my doorway I can see Ashley turned around looking out my window. Her back is to me so she doesn't know that I'm here. It seems like she is upset about something. I listen in to see what is going on.

"What do you want me to do? I didn't mean to fall for her so fast. You knew how I felt about her when you asked me to do this. I'm not going to pressure her to talk about the accident if she doesn't want to. It is so hard to lie to her all the time and pretend like I don't know about the accident. So you know what I quit."

She closes her phone and turns around. When she sees me in the doorway with tears in my eyes she freezes. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough"

She takes a step towards me but I stop her. "Look Spence I can explain"

"You knew this entire time and you didn't tell me? How could you do that?"

"I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I would have lost my job."

"So you lie to me instead? You know what just get out."

"Spence just let me explain."

"Get the fuck out." I yell at her. She looks like she wants to say something but decides against it. I am so mad right now that I am practically shaking. Once I hear the front door slam shut for the second time today I collapse to the floor in deep sobs. After a while I get up and turn on the radio to drown out the silence. Breathe Me blasts through the speakers as I sit against my dresser and cry.

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

__I bang my head against my dresser and a small box falls beside me. I would recognize that box anywhere. It is the box that contains my safe haven. The razors that I once used to give me release._**  
**_

_**Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me**_

I take the leather wristband off and look at the nearly healed cuts. I haven't cut myself in three months. Ashley had turned into my new release until now. The thought of her brings hot fresh new tears to my eyes.__

Ouch I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

I reach over and grab a razor from the box. As I bring the razor up to my wrist I think about all the people I have ever hurt. I think about how much better everyone's life would be without me in it. " I am so sorry mom and dad that I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I love you."__

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

As I slit both of my wrists I think of how this is the last time I'll feel pain and a smile comes to my face. _No more pain. _I watch as the blood pours from my wrists. Sorry falls from my lips as my breathing becomes shallow. The last thing I hear is the sultry sound of Sia's voice before I blackout.__

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

* * *

**Well how did you like the new update? Please everyone don't jump me at once. Everything will be explained in the next chapter. I will try to update sometime this week before I have surgery. So please review. I love them. Thanks! The song used in this chapter is Breathe Me by Sia.**


	10. Two Sides To Every Story

**MickieMelina4Eva**- yeah what Ashley did was scandalous. You'll have to read on to know why! Thanks

**IsebellaVamp**- I don't think there was anything that Ashley could say to Spencer to make her listen. The damage was already done. Thanks

**Domino lavendel**- the way it ends may surprise you. Thanks

**Elly1212**- if you had a general idea of where this was going then I would think you hacked into my computer and read the story! Lol Thanks

**Knockudown**- Thanks

**Fumbling Towards Ecstasy**- thanks! I think the song just kind of sums up everything and it fit the situation perfectly.

**Jono14**- I think if Spencer died it would ruin the story so no I couldn't do that. You will have to read to find out the rest. Thanks

**...Voice**- thanks! You gave me some great advice.

**Southofnowhere2010, jono14, Hotcutii3, islndgrl07**- thanks for the alerts!

**Hey readers! This chapter will be in Ashley's point of view. Everyone wants to know what is going on so I hope this chapter explains it. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Two Sides To Every Story**

It has been three months since I officially met Spencer Carlin. We have been getting closer every since we went to her brother Glen's basketball game. Going to sporting events is not really my thing but I would do anything to spend time with Spencer. I haven't really known her all that long but once I got to know her it felt like I had known her all my life. I know there are some things that Spencer isn't telling me but she doesn't know that I already know what they are. I have been debating the last few days if I should tell Spencer what I know and how I feel about her. I have had feelings for Spencer since the first day that I saw her. Maybe if I tell her what I know and then tell her how I feel about her that will lessen the blow somehow. I don't know. I just know that I need to tell her soon before everything blows up in my face. My Spencer daydreams are soon interrupted by my phone ringing. I look at the caller id and frown. God what does she want now?

"Hello Judy. How are you?" I answer with a fake smile plastered on my face but I remember that its not like she can see me so I instantly drop it.

_"Hello Ashley. Do you have any news for me today?"_

"No I don't"

I hear a sigh on the other end before she speaks again. _"Ashley you have been at this for months. It shouldn't take you this long to get her to tell you about the accident. Have you forgotten why you are even hanging out with her?"_

"No Ms. Tyler I haven't. What do you want me to do? I can't just come right out and ask her about it. If I did that I don't know how she would react."

_"Yeah your right. We can't just force it out of her. Just remember Ashley that I am her therapist and you are just my intern. If you want that job across town then you are going to have to get her to talk. I will give you one more month and if you cant deliver then I will have no choice but to fire you."_

"Okay. I will try my best."

_"Oh and Ashley remember that you can't tell Spencer about any of this."_

"I understand. Goodbye Judy." As I hung up the phone I yelled in frustration.

"Wow what's up with you?" I turn around to see Kyla standing in my doorway.

"I just got off the phone with Judy."

"Judy. As in Judy Tyler your boss?"

I nodded "Yep. The one and only."

"Let me guess. She wanted another Spencer update."

"You guessed it."

"I don't know why you put up with this woman Ash. She is practically black mailing you to do all her dirty work."

"I know Kyla but she is the best Psychiatrist in the state and if I can get a recommendation from her then I am sure to get the big job that I want across town."

"Yeah but is this recommendation worth your sanity and dignity? Is it worth hurting Spencer over?"

"No but I kind of brought this on myself Ky. I should have never got caught looking in Spencer's file."

"That's true but I think that she set you up. She knew how you felt about Spencer so she gave you her file knowing that you would look at it. It was so obvious that you had a crush on Spencer."

"Maybe. I can still remember the first day that I saw her. She was leaving Judy's office and I remember thinking how beautiful she was but she looked so crestfallen. Her eyes that looked like they were once full of life now looked dull and lifeless. Since that day I made a promise to myself that I would do anything I could to put life back in her eyes."

Kyla looked up at me with admiration. " Wow Ash. I didn't know that you felt that strongly for her."

"Ky I think…. I think that I may…love her."

Kyla was about to respond but was interrupted by my phone. I looked at the caller id and smiled.

"Hey you"

"_Hey Ash"_ as soon as I heard the tone in her voice a frown replaced my face splitting smile.

"What's wrong Spence? You sound like you have been crying."

"_Glen and I just got into a fight. Do you think you could come over?"_

"Sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."

_"Thanks Ash"_

Before I could respond I heard the dial tone. Wow I wonder what the fight was about. It must have been really bad. I haven't heard her this upset since the day in the library.

"Who was that Ash?" Kyla asked with concern laced in her voice.

"That was Spencer. She had a fight with Glen and she sounded really upset. She wants me to come over. Will you be alright here by yourself?"

"Yeah I'll be fine. Go take care of Spencer."

"Thanks Ky. I owe you one." I hugged Kyla goodbye and made my way to Spencer's.

* * *

About 20 minutes later I am knocking on Spencer's door. Once Spencer finally opens the door I get a good look at her. She looks like she has gone to hell and back. She moves so that I can come in. as soon as come through the door I put everything down I hug her as tight as possible without hurting her. She buries her head into my neck and sighs. After a few minutes I reluctantly pull away to look in her eyes.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"Glen and I got into a fight and it got pretty intense."

"May I ask what it was about?" I ask timidly.

"Just family stuff." As soon as she says that I know not to press on. Spencer's family is a touchy subject that we just don't talk about.

"Oh. Ummmm…..where is Glen anyway?"

"He decided to stay at Madison's tonight."

"Are they like together?"

"Yeah they just started dating"

I see that talking about Glen is making her sad so I quickly change the subject. "Well okay enough with the heavy. I brought movies and snacks. You sounded so down on the phone that I thought that I would cheer you up!"

"Thanks Ash. What movies did you bring?"

"Well I have 10 Things I Hate About You, The Hangover, and Superbad. I figured you needed a good laugh. So which movie do you want to look at first?"

"uuummmm….. I think I'll start with 10 Things I Hate About You."

"Nice Choice. Julia Stiles' vapidness made her totally hot in this movie."

"I couldn't agree more"

Halfway into Superbad Spencer seemed to have loosened up. Her head is on my shoulder and she is sitting halfway on my lap. Throughout the night we have shifted closer towards each other and every now and then I contently sigh happy to be here with her. All of a sudden she shifts into my lap and lays her head in the crook of my neck. I stiffen not knowing what to do next before relaxing and deciding to wrap my arms around her. As I hold her in my arms I realize what I have to do. I can't continue to lie to her. I have to tell her everything and tell her how I feel about her. How much she means to me.

"Spence?"

"Yea?" she looks up and looks into my eyes. I see a look of fear in her eyes but try to ignore it.

I am so nervous right now that I can barely form words. "I-I have t-to tell you something."

"You can tell me anything Ash."

I take a deep breath to calm my racing heart. Well here goes nothing. When I open my mouth to speak my phone rings. Who could that be? I pull my phone out of my back pocket and check the caller id. Judy. What does she want now?

"I'm sorry I have to take this. It will just take a second." She nods and watches me disappear out of the room. I walked into a bedroom and answered the phone.

"What is it Judy? I'm with Spencer."

_"Well that's good to hear. Has she told you yet?"_

"Not since the last time that we talked." I said voice dripping with sarcasm.

_"Well I thought of something that might help you. Since you like her so much you could sleep with her. What's more intimate than sex? If she sleeps with you then she will trust you more and thus telling you about the accident."_

I instantly got mad that she would even suggest that. " Are you serious? There is now way that I am doing that. Do you do this with all your patients that don't open up?"

_"Listen here Ashley. I have worked too hard to get where I am and I am not going to let some blonde bimbo ruin it. I have been working on her case for two years and she never says anything about the accident. You have to put your feelings aside. So if you want that recommendation you better get her to talk."_

That's it. I am so done with this. Kyla was right. It's not worth it. "What do you want me to do? I didn't mean to fall for her so fast. You knew how I felt about her when you asked me to do this. I'm not going to pressure her to talk about the accident if she doesn't want to. It is so hard to lie to her all the time and pretend like I don't know about the accident. So you know what I quit."

I angrily close my phone and turn around. What I see next nearly breaks my heart. Spencer is standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes. Shit. Did she just hear what I said?

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough"

I try to take a step towards her but she puts her hand up to stop me. ""Look Spence I can explain"

"You knew this entire time and you didn't tell me? How could you do that?"

"I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I would have lost my job."

"So you lie to me instead? You know what just get out."

"Spence just let me explain."

"Get the fuck out." She yelled. I was about to say something but decide to just leave. She is so mad that she is shaking. I walk past her and look at her once more before leaving the apartment. Once I get into my car I break down. I scream profanities at the top of my lungs and bang my head against the steering wheel.

I finally pull out of the car park and turn on my ipod to drown out the silence. The Goo Goo Dolls blast through the speakers as I think about everything that happened tonight.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now  
_

I cant belive that Judy wanted me to sleep with Spencer just to get her to tell me about the accident. Not that I would mind sleeping with Spencer, I just don't want to sleep with her for the wrong reasons. Spencer is so fragile right now. Maybe I should go back.

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

I stop at the red light and listen to the song that is playing. I just sit a let the words soak in.

And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am

In that moment something in me clicks and I realize something. I have to let Spencer know who I am. I have to explain everything and make her understand that I love her. I make a u-turn in the middle of the street and make my way back to Spencer. I get there in record time and knock on the door but no one answers. I knock again and still nothing. I put my ear up to the door and hear music playing. Maybe she just can't hear me. I then check to see if the door is unlocked and find that it is. I guess I forgot to lock it when I left.

"Spence? Spencer?" Still no reply. I guess she is in her room. I walk back to her room and see that the door is closed. I knock and get no reply.

"Look Spence. I know you hate me right now but I need to explain. There are some things that I really need to tell you. May I come in? Spence?" When she doesn't answer I take her silence as a yes and enter her room. What I see when I open the door nearly kills me. Spencer is lying on the floor with a pool of blood surrounding her and razors. I quickly make my way over to her and see that both her wrists are cut deeply and there are little small cuts there too. " Spence? What did you do? Oh my god. There is so much blood." I quickly grab onto her and check her pulse. It is faint but it is there. I grab the sheets from her bed to stop the bleeding and then I call 911. I just hold her in my arms until the ambulance arrives. All that I can think as I rock Spencer back and forth is this is my fault.

What have I done?

* * *

**Well there you go. I hope I explained everything. I don't know how long it is going to take me to recover from surgery so the next update won't be for like another week. Sorry. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review. It will help me recover faster. (: The song used in this Chapter is Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.**


	11. Semi Confessions

**Sorry for the long wait. School is a little more hectic than I thought it would be. Thank you everyone who reviewed and alerted my story. You don't know how much that means to me. Well enough stalling, here is the next chapter which is also in Ashley's POV. Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

**Semi Confessions**

Have you ever had one of those out of body experiences where your apart of something life altering and there is nothing you can do to change it? Well I have. Tonight's events will be forever engraved into my memory. I have never seen something so horrific in my life. Watching the person that you love slowly die is something I would not wish upon anyone.

I am currently sitting in the waiting room at the hospital that they rushed Spencer to. I called Glen about an hour ago but he didn't pick up. I left him a message letting him know what was going on. I just hope he listens to it soon. I hate being alone like this. I'm going crazy waiting on the doctor to give me an update. I pull out my phone to look at the time. The screen reads 12:21 a.m. Maybe I should call Kyla and let her know what's going on. I quickly find her name in my contacts and push dial.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey Ky"

_"Ash what's wrong?_" she says voiced laced with concern.

"Spencer ….she" I croaked out not being able to finish my sentence.

_"I'm sorry Ash. Did she not except your apology when you told her about Judy? Does she not feel the same way?"_

"It's not that. She….she's in the hospital."

_"WHAT? What happened?"_

I let out a long sigh knowing that this is not the last time that I am going to have to tell this story. "She overheard my conversation with Judy and then she kicked me out. She was so angry Ky. I didn't want to leave but the look in her eyes was so crestfallen and to think that I was the cause of it made my own heart break. When I was halfway home something just told me to turn around and explain everything to her." I let out a shaky breath because I know the next part will be the hardest part of the story to tell. "when…..when I got back to the apartment I called out Spencer's name but she never answered. When I finally found her she was lying on her bedroom floor in a pool of blood. Her blood." I choked out.

Kyla audibly gasped. _"Ash are you saying that she…."_ She trailed off.

"Yea Ky. I think….. that she was trying to kill herself….and it's all my fault." I sobbed.

_"Ashley it is not your fault."_

"Yes it is! If I would have never took that call or looked at her folder in the first place then she wouldn't be here right now."

_"Just calm down Ash. Everything is going to be ok."_

"How can you even say that? Spencer almost died because of me!"

"What?"

I turn around and see Glen standing there with tears in his eyes. I can faintly hear Kyla on the phone calling my name but all I can think about is the inevitable fight that is about to happen.

**_"ASHLEY!_**" kyla yells over the phone.

I quickly snap out of my inner debate and answer Kyla. "Kyla I'll call you back later."

_"What? Ash what's go-."_ I hang up before she can say anything else.

"Glen"

"What did you mean when you said that my sister almost died because of you? What did you do to my sister?" he said with malice in his voice.

"uuummm….Spencer overheard my phone conversation and then we got into a fight. She kicked me out but then I came back. When I came back s-she was lying on her bedroom floor in a pool of blood. She had cut both of her wrists."

Glen slowly slid against the wall until he hit the ground. He just sat there with a blank expression on his face. I slowly made my way over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He reluctantly looked up at me with regret and guilt in his eyes. I wonder why.

"Glen are you okay?"

"No. I uumm…think I know why she did this to herself." I didn't ask why. I had a feeling that he was going to tell me anyway. Maybe I was just too afraid to find out. "Earlier today Spencer and I got into a big fight. One of the biggest we've had since…" he looked up at me with uncertainty.

"It's ok Glen. I know about the accident."

"So she finally told you?"

I slowly shook my head. "Actually no. I kind of already knew about it." I said with hesitance.

"Wait. What do you mean you already kind of knew?"

This is the part that I was afraid of. Either he would understand the situation or he would hate me. Well here goes nothing. "Well I intern for Judy Tyler and.."

"Judy Tyler. As in Spencer's psychiatrist?"

"Yeah. She asked me to file Spencer's folder one day and I looked in it. I had seen her come in a few times and had taken an instant liking to her. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to be her reason for smiling again. Well anyway Ms. Tyler found out that I had looked into her folder and she black mailed me. She said that if I didn't get Spencer to talk about the accident then she would fire me and she wouldn't give me the recommendation that I needed. Also her firing me would make it almost impossible to get another job in another office. Tonight I told her over the phone that I was done with this and that I didn't care if she fired me because I cared about Spencer. Well Spencer overheard the conversation and that's when she kicked me out."

Glen looked up at me with disbelief and anger. "I can't believe this. How could she do something like that?"

"I know I know. I didn't even want- wait she? You're not mad at me?" I asked with disbelief.

"I'm not even going to lie to you. That was messed up what you did. You've been lying to both of us for months…but you did the right thing in the end. So I respect you but I still don't forgive you yet. I mean your apart of the reason why my sisters here. I guess I can't blame everything on you. A lot of this is my fault."

"Glen can you please tell me what the fight was about? All that she told me was that it was about family stuff."

"I don't know Ashley. Maybe you should just wait and talk about this with Spencer."

"Glen she may never speak to me again after tonight and you know that Spencer would never tell me anyway. Please Glen. Please?" I begged.

He let out a tired sigh and nodded his head. "After the accident Spencer took things really bad. Things got even worse after we buried mom. She just always blamed herself. Anyway uummm….we were fighting about dad and how she never goes to see him. I mean it has been two years already. I go to see him every week but Spencer hasn't visited him since we moved here."

"So you buried your parents here?"

"What? No we buried my mom back in Ohio. Our dad is still alive Ashley. He is actually in this same hospital."

My head snapped up at this statement. Her dad was still alive? I guess I just assumed that since her file said that she was the only one to make it out of the accident ok that both of her parents had died. Well if her father isn't dead then what is he doing in this hospital? Does he work here or something?

"Well what is he doing in this hospital?" I hesitantly asked.

Glen looked down and then looked back at me with tears in his eyes. "He's been in a coma ever since the accident. The doctors say that they don't know if he will ever wake up." After saying this, Glen falls to the ground sobbing. I rush over to him and wrapped him up in my arms the best way that I could. As I console Glen my mind goes back to Spencer. She must feel terrible all of the time. Judging by the faded cuts on her wrist, there is defiantly more to this story and I am going to find out.

* * *

**Well here it is. I hope I made it flow okay. Things should be picking up in the next chapter. I should have the next chapter up by Monday so please review. If you don't review then I will totally understand if you guys are mad at me for the long hiatus! I would be mad too.**


	12. Numb

Domino lavendel- Thanks! I'm glad that you liked it.

SoSadSoHappy- Thanks for the review

Truckie121, woodsongrl07, bigvampire21, imaferrari- Thanks for the alerts.

This Chapter is still in Ashley's POV. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Numb

"Ashley"

"Aaasshhley"

I can faintly hear someone say my name but I just can't bring myself to get up. The current dream I am having is just too good. Spencer and I are in a meadow just staring at each other. The sun is shining down her making her look like an angel. We both have expressed our undying love for each other and are currently in each other's arms as I lean in to kiss her. Right before our lips touch, I am shaken out of my dream. Literally. I look up with a glare and make it my first priority to do bodily harm to whoever woke me up from the best dream I have ever had. Glen is looking down at me with a shit eating grin. "Why are you smiling like that?"

He just looked at me and uttered the two words that I have been longing to hear for days. "She's awake."

I just stared at him with tears slowly running down my face. "Seriously?"

"Yeah the doc-." Before he could finish his sentence, I enveloped him in a bone crushing hug. Spencer was finally awake. Its like I can finally breath again. I guess I was just holding my breath and didn't even know it.

"The doctor said that we could go see her if we wanted."

I didn't answer him. I just nodded and followed him to her room. As we walked down the white hallway, something finally hit me. Would she even want to see me? I mean granted I was part of the reason she was even hear in the first place. I guess Glen realized that I had slowed down and wasn't next to him anymore. He looked at me with a confused look on his face. "Ashley what's wrong? I thought that I would have to fight you to get through the door." He said with a smirk.

I just looked down at my feet and sighed. "What if she doesn't want to see me Glen? What if she is still mad at me? I don't think I could take it if she hated me."

Glen was quite for a few minutes. "I didn't really think about that. She may be mad with me too. I was just so happy that she was finally awake that I didn't think about if she even wanted to see us."

"How about we face the music together?" I offered.

"Sure. That's better than going in there alone."

We slowly continued our way down the hallway until we got outside her door. Once we got outside her door we both looked at each other and nodded in a silent agreement. As we entered her room we saw her looking out the window. Once she realized that someone was in her room, she turned and looked at us. I softly gasped at what I saw. There was no emotion on her face. Not even in her eyes. Her eyes. The eyes that I loved so much and the baby blues that would light up whenever I made her laugh now had no life in them. Glen was the first person to break the silence.

"Hey Spence. How are you feeling?

She just looked at him with the same blank expression. "Disappointed"

Glen and I shared a look of confusion wondering what she could possibly be disappointed about. Since Glen broke the silence the first, I guess it's only fair that I do it this time.

"Why are you disappointed Spencer?" I said barely above a whisper.

She looked at me for a while. As she stared at me I could have sworn that I felt a shiver go down my spine. She finally decided to speak after a few minutes. "I'm alive." She said as if it were obvious. "Why am I alive?"

Glen and I once again looked at each other with a confused look. The only difference this time is that there was a little fear in our eyes. Our staring match is broken by Spencer screaming at us.

"ANSWER ME DAMNMIT!"

Glen and I both jumped at the sudden outburst scared shitless. I had never seen Spencer like this before. At least she is finally showing some emotion even if it is rage. At least we know we haven't completely lost her. I take a slow cautious step forward before answering her.

"I-I found your in your room lying on the floor bleeding. I called the ambulance once I saw all of the blood." I stuttered out.

She just wordlessly shook her head with tears running down her pale face She stared out the window as she spoke. "You shouldn't have done that."

"Spencer you can't be serious. I didn't want you to die."

She snapped her head around and looked at me after I said that. She looked at me like she wanted to rip my head off. "Whether I die or not is none of your concern. It was not your place to keep me alive. And if I remember correctly I threw your lying ass out. Why the fuck did you come back? I could have been with them right now. I just wanted to tell them how sorry I am."

Glen chose that moment to speak up. I had almost forgotten that he was even here. "Who are you talking about Spencer?"

"You know damn well who I'm talking about. Mom and dad."

"But Spence….Dad's not dead."

"Yes he is Glen. That man lying in that hospital bed is not my dad. The dad that I remember was so full of life and loving. Not a fucking vegetable in some depressing hospital."

Glen just looked at her with disbelief and swiftly left the tension filled room. I wanted to follow after him but I couldn't just leave things with Spencer the way that they were. I watched her while she continued to stare out the window. I don't know what possessed me to move towards her but I did. I slowly approached her bed as to not startle her or set her off. I finally made it to her bed after forever it seemed. She just kept staring at the window as if she were in a trance. Seeing her like this made me just want to wrap her up in my arms and never let go. If she sensed that I was near her then she never made any indication. I slowly began to reach my hand out to touch her but before I could touch her, she spoke.

"You know, ever since I woke up there is one question that keeps running through my head." She finally looked at me with hurt in her eyes. "Why did I ever trust you?"

At those words I just wanted to fall down and cry. How could I hurt the person that I claimed to love? I mean I never actually got a chance to confess my feelings for her but they were still there. I was brought out of my thoughts by Spencer's bitter laugh.

"You want to know what the funny thing is? Before Glen and I got into our fight, I confessed something to him. I told him that I was ready to tell you everything. I wanted to tell you all about the accident and even things that I haven't told anyone else. Not even Glen. And then my darling brother even got me to realize that I had feelings for you. I really thought that you were going to be the one to help….save me from….me." she looked up to I guess see my reaction. "I guess the jokes on me huh? You knew all along and played me like some fool." She broke down after that. She just sobbed into her hands and I helplessly watched. I was trying to process everything that she said to me. Spencer had feelings for me? Wow. Spencer's crying got louder and I couldn't take it anymore. I finally closed the short distance between us. I got in bed with her and wrapped my arms around her. She immediately started hitting me and screaming to let her go.

"LET ME GO YOU STUPID BITCH! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" she continued to hit and scream. I firmly held her with no intentions of letting go. After a few minutes Spencer stopped her assault and went limp in my arms and crying into the crook of my neck. We stayed that way until she finally went to sleep. Once I was sure that she was asleep, I slowly laid her down and got out of the bed. Before I left I whispered something to her.

"I love you Spencer and I hope that one day you can forgive me. I know that I messed up but I am going to do everything that I can to save you." I slowly kissed her forehead and left the hospital. Once I got into the car I just broke down. All of the emotions that I held in in the hospital were now finally coming out. I was hurt, angry, and felt guilty. I was hurt that she wants to die. I felt guilty for lying to her and being part of the reason that she is even in the hospital. But most of all I am angry at myself. After crying for forever I finally started the car and made my way back home. I desperately needed a shower. I turned on my ipod and made my way home. I drove as Numb by Sia blasted through the speakers. I just let her words soak in.

_I saw you cry today_  
_The pain may fill you_  
_I saw you shy away_  
_The pain will not kill you_

_You made me smile today_  
_You spoke with many voices_  
_We travelled miles today_  
_Shared expressions voiceless_

_It has to end_  
_Living in your head_  
_Without anything to numb you_  
_Living on the edge_  
_Without anything to numb you_

_It has to end to begin_

I let tears freely roll down my cheeks. It is so amazing how songs can be so true. That has been happening a lot lately. I guess my ipod just knows what I'm going through. What am I saying? How could it understand what is going on? It's an ipod. I sigh at the absurdity of my thoughts.

_Began an end today_  
_Gave and got given_  
_You made a friend today_  
_Kindred soul cracked spirit_

_It has to end to begin_

_Living in your head_  
_Without anything to numb you_  
_Living on the edge_  
_Without anything to numb you_

_It had to end to begin_

_Living in your head_  
_Without anything to numb you_  
_Living on the edge_  
_Without anything to numb you_

_Living in your head_  
_Without anything to numb you_  
_Living on the edge_  
_Without anything to numb you_

As the song ended I slowly made my way into the house. On my way to my room I saw Kyla asleep on the couch. I made my way over to her. I covered her with a blanket and kissed her forehead. I was instantly brought back to the scene with Spencer when I had done the same thing to her. I heavily sighed and made my way up to my room. I didn't even bother with the shower. I didn't realize how tired I was until I saw my bed. I stripped down and collapsed onto my bed. Before sleep overcame me I grabbed the picture of Spencer and I of my nightstand. I made a silent promise to save her and never give up no matter what.

I just hope that I can save her in time.

* * *

Sorry for the delay everyone. I had a major paper to write and it has taken up all of my time. I don't know when I will be able to update again but hopefully soon. I hope you enjoyed it. Please R&R! It gives me motivation!


	13. Fix You

**Imaferrari- Thanks for the review. That was a hard chapter to write. I wanted it to be emotional but not too overly done.**

**domino lavendel- Thanks!**

**FFReviews, mkylsmth, 9110, what9090, GODLOVE, LostTreex3, theonethatgotaway28, SoccerFanatic03- Thanks for the alerts. They mean just as much to me as reviews do.**

**Well here is the next chapter. Sorry for the delay but my final paper is going to keep me kind of busy. The italics are a flashback. Anyways, here is the next chapter. Enjoy!**

Fix You

It has been a week since Spencer's breakdown in the hospital. I go see her every day when I can. She doesn't say much to me and I don't say much to her in return. We usually just sit quietly and watch TV. The first few days were silent and up until yesterday we hadn't said anything to each other except greetings and farewells. As each day went by, I could tell that she was starting to get comfortable with my daily visits.

_Yesterday when I walked in we exchanged our usual hello and watched our new favorite show Family Feud. Halfway through the show she surprised me by turning down the volume to an almost whisper. I looked over at her with surprise and confusion wondering what she was doing. She stared down at her hands for a while before she finally looked up at me. There was sadness and confusion in her eyes. I wonder why. Did I do something wrong?_

"_Why are you still here Ashley?" She says with sadness._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Why do you come here every day? Why are you still putting up with me? You come here every day and I hardly acknowledge that you are even here and yet you still come and see me. I just don't get why you put up with me. I'm just damaged goods Ashley. I'm not worth it."_

_I look at her for a moment and watch as she stares out the window. She does that a lot. I make my over to her bed and sit down. She finally looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I quickly wipe them away and hold her face in my hands. I make her look at me and just stare into her eyes. "You couldn't be more wrong Spencer. You are not damaged goods Spence and you are more than worth it." I continue to stare into her eyes. "You really want to know why I care and why I come here every day?" she nods her head. I take a shaky breath because what I am about to tell her might change everything._

"_You might not know this but I have known you for a while." I look up to see her reaction and see confused look on her face. "The first time that I saw you was about a year and a half ago. I had just started my intern for Ms. Tyler when I saw you come out of her office one day. You looked so sad and defeated. I remember thinking the first time that I saw you how beautiful you were. I made a promise to myself that day. I promised that I would be the one to put a smile back on your face no matter what. I just never worked up the courage to talk to you. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would watch you walk into her office with an emotionless face and come out with the same look. I guess I'm not doing so well with my promise considering I am part of the reason you are in here." I sigh after my long confession. We have been sitting in silence for a few minutes. I don't dare look at her. I just can't._

"_I don't…..I just." She clears her throat. "I just don't know what to say. What you just told me is both the weirdest and sweetest thing has ever said to me." _

_My head snaps up at that. Did I just hear her right?_

"_There is just one thing that is still bothering me. If you felt this way for so long then why would you do what you did to me?"_

_I sigh. I knew that I would eventually have to tell her. Well what is the worst that could happen? Wait. Don't answer that._

"_It's a long story."_

"_Well as you can see I have nothing but time."_

"_Well about three and a half months ago after your appointment Jud-Ms. Tyler asked me to file your folder. I had never filed your folder before because usually she does it. Well I was about to file your folder when I bumped into someone and dropped it. Your papers came out and I had to put them back into the folder. When I was putting the papers into the folder I began to read them. I just wanted to know something about you and I was curious as to why you came there in the first place. Well lucky me Ms. Tyler caught me reading your file. She threatened to fire me but I begged her not to and apologized profusely. She then told me that I could keep my job on one condition. I agreed and asked her what I needed to do. That's when she told me that I could either become close with you and get you to talk about the accident or I would be fired and she wouldn't give me the recommendation that I needed for a major job across town. I reluctantly agreed and that is when she set me up with the tutoring job so that I can become close to you." I looked at her once more to see her reaction. She was once again looking out the window so I couldn't see her face. "The thing is…..is I don't think that I took the job to keep from being fired. I took the job because I finally had a reason to talk to you without a way to chicken out. I guess I just wanted to have some kind of contact with you no matter the reason. I know that it was selfish of-"_

"_No. It wasn't selfish." She said still looking out the window._

"_I just want you to know that i have cared about you since day one and I never went into this with the intentions to hurt you."_

_She finally looked at me. "You know, I don't really blame you for me being in here. I have been screwed up for a while now. Even before my parents died my life was still complicated."_

"_What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly_

_She just looked at me for a moment and then looked down at her hands in her lap. It seemed as if she was debating whether to tell me or not._

"_It's ok. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."_

_She sighed and looked up at me. "It's not that I don't want to tell you. I just don't know if I can tell you and know how you will react."_

_I grabbed her hands and made her look at me. "Spence" she smiles at her nickname. "You can tell me anything and I wouldn't judge you. You don't have to tell me right now but just know that I will always be here for you no matter what."_

_There are tears in her eyes and a small smile on her face. It doesn't reach her eyes but it is a start._

"_You have a beautiful smile Spencer. Never forget that."_

_She blushes and looks back down at her hands. "Thanks Ash. For everything."_

_I reach over to hug her. "I would do anything for you Spencer." I say with so much conviction and just held her._

That day will always be engraved into my head. That is the day that I finally realized that I am irrevocably and totally _in _love with Spencer Carlin. I check the clock and see that I have a few hours before I can go to the hospital and see Spencer. I am currently working on this song that I have been writing for the past few days. Of course it is about Spencer. I am starting to think that she might be my muse. I haven't written a song in over a year.

I sit down at my crimson red grand piano and began to play the song that I wrote for Spencer.

_When you try your best but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want but not what you need  
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse_

And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face  
And I

Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face  
And I

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

As I play the last notes I hear applause. I turn around to see Kyla standing in the doorway.

"Wow Ash. That was beautiful. I haven't seen you play the piano since-"

"Yeah I know Ky."

"I guess things with Spencer are getting better for you to write a song about her."

"Yeah I guess." I let my fingers play random notes as I stare at my baby sister. "I think I might even play it for her. You know when she gets out and stuff."

"Really? You never let people willingly listen to you play."

"I know but you know how I feel about her Ky. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Not even with-"I sigh and continue playing the random notes that are not so random anymore and I realize what I'm playing. _Her_ lullaby.

I abruptly stop playing and quickly move away from the piano.

Kyla walks over to me and hugs me. Since I am slightly taller than she is, I have to bend down a little to rest my head on her shoulder.

"It will get better Ash. If Spencer truly makes you happy then I think then you should do what it takes to be with her."

I lift my head and look into her eyes. I'm scared Kyla. I don't want to forget about her but Spencer makes me feel things that I never felt with her."

"You will never forget about her Ash. She was a huge part of your life. You can't be afraid to love again Ash. It's okay for you to be happy again. You deserve to be happy again."

"Thanks Ky. For always being there for me."

She smiles and hugs me one last time. "That's what sisters are for."

I watch as she leaves and then make my way to my bed. I guess I can take a nap before I go see Spencer later. A smile spreads across my face at the thought of seeing her. Maybe I do deserve to be happy again. It has been over a year and I just want to be happy again.

I just have to make myself believe that I deserve it.

**Well there it is folks. I wonder who **_**her**_** is? What do you guys think? Comment and tell me what you think. Again sorry for the delay. Exams are coming up so I don't know when I will be able to update again. The song used in this chapter is Fix You- by Coldplay. Please R&R! It makes my whole week! Thanks!**


	14. Secrets Fly

FFReviews- Thanks for the review. I am glad that you like my story.

what9090- I'm sorry that I left a cliffhanger right before exams. The same thing happened to me and it drove me crazy. Thanks for the review.

Life4- Of course there is gonna be more. Thanks for the review.

Elly1212- Thanks for the review. It really helped me. I just wanted Spencer and Ashley to take it slow before all the secrets come out.

Imaferrari- Thanks for the review . I wanted Ashley to be adamant about being there for Spencer and there are some shocking reasons behind it. You were on the right track about who HER was but it is so much more than that.

ParaAngelMore19, Life4, NutterHead, Loopy23Lou, KathleenDee, katieka, stacepike, jchromes- Thanks for the alerts and favorites.

This next chapter will be in Spencer's pov and Ashley's pov. I wanted to see where her head is and what she thinks about Ashley's confession. Secrets will come out in this chapter, maybe even all of them. Happy reading!

* * *

**Secrets Fly**

**Spencer's POV**

Today is the day that I can finally get out of here. I have been in this depressing hospital for 2 weeks. Ashley should be here in a little bit to pick me up. _Ashley_. I sigh thinking about everything that she told me a few days ago. I just don't know whether to hate her or thank her. I know that she has strong feelings for me. I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. I can't deny that I have strong feelings for her either. I just hate that she lied to me. It seems like the past few months has been nothing but a lie. I do feel guilty though. She basically spilled her heart out to me and there is still so much that I need to tell her. There are so many things that she doesn't know about me and I am afraid that she may look at me differently. I guess that I really have nothing to lose but that's a lie. I could lose _her_. Even though I have only known her for a few months, I can't imagine my life without her. As I'm packing I hear a knock at the door. I turn to see Ashley standing in the doorway with flowers and a teddy bear.

She walks up to me and gives me a tender hug. "Hey you ready to go beautiful?"

I put my head down to hide the blush and nod my head. Since Ash's confession, she has been more open about her feelings for me and flirts with me every chance she gets. I'm sure not complaining.

Once Ashley signed me out, she loaded me into her car. I loved Ash's car. It was a white customized Range Rover. I looked over at her and smiled.

She looked over at me with a raised eyebrow. "What's with the kool-aid smile?"

"Oh I have three good reasons. I'm glad to finally be out of that hospital and I'm glad that you are here with me right now."

She chuckled and looked back at me. "What's the third reason?"

"I fucking love this car!"

"I knew you only liked me because of my car"

"Well it sure helps"

She smacks me in the arm and smiles triumphantly. I rub my arm where she hit me.

"Ow Ash. That was mean."

"Well that's what you get for using me" she said with a pout.

"Aww . Well if it makes you feel any better I can't imagine using anyone else."

She looks at me suddenly and smiles. It's a good thing that we are at a red light or we would have surely crashed. We stare into each other's eyes with a smile on our faces. We continue to stare at each other until a car behind us blows their horn telling us to go. We both look up and noticed that the light was green. We rode the rest of the way to my apartment in silence.

When we finally got to my apartment Ashley helped me get my things upstairs. I looked around for Glen and saw that he left me a note saying that he had basketball practice and wouldn't be home until later that night.

"So I guess Glen isn't here then?"

I held up the note and shook my head.

"Well if you're hungry then we could get something to eat."

"Actually can we just stay here? We could order take out. I just don't really want to be around a lot of people right now"

"Yeah, sure whatever you want. I have nothing to do today."

"Ok so what do you want to order?"

"How about Chinese?"

"Yeah that's cool"

I picked up the phone and ordered our food. "The guys says the food will be here in 30 minutes"

"So what do you want to do while we wait?"

I thought about it for a minute and came up with the perfect thing. "How about we play a game?"

Ashley looked at me seductively and bit her bottom lip. "What kind of game?"

"Not that kind of game you perv. We could play truth or dare"

Ash looked thoughtful and then nodded. "Bring it on blondie"

I just laughed and went into the living room to sit on the couch.

"Spence why don't you start first"

"Ok Ashley. Truth or dare?"

"uuuummm truth"

"When did you first realize you were gay?"

"Since I was like five and my best friend kissed me to see what it was like."

I laughed at the blush that had crept up Ash's cheeks. "Aww. That's so sweet."

"Yeah Yeah Yeah" She waved me off like it was nothing. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth"

"How many girls have you dated?"

This is what I was afraid of. Why did I pick a game that involved questions? _Because you're ready for her to know who you are._ I sigh and try to muster the best smile I can. "I only liked one girl but I never got a chance to date her."

Ashley looked at me with a concerned look on her beautiful face. I could tell she was contemplating something. "What happened?"

I shrugged and took a deep breath. "We moved here." I halfway lied. I don't just want to lay everything on her at once.

"I'm sorry Spence"

I could tell that she wanted to know more but I just shook my head and looked down at my hands in my lap. "Everything happens for a reason right?"

She mulled over what I said and nodded slowly. "Yeah I guess so. Sometimes things happen for the better though."

I sigh and look back up at her. We are having another conversation with our eyes and I can tell that there was a hidden meaning behind what she just said. I wonder what it is? Maybe I already know but just don't want to admit it to myself. "Truth or dare"

"Truth"

I ask her a question that I have been wondering about since her confession in the hospital. "Why is becoming a psychiatrist so important to you?"

She looks at the pillow with this faraway look as if the answers are woven into the fabric. She then smiles and looks at me. "I used to be a hard-ass when it came to love. Then one day it all changed. I met this girl at the beach and she saved me. I was surfing to get away from all my problems and I remember wiping-out. When I opened my eyes I saw this beautiful girl smiling down at me. This first thing she said to me was '_You're an idiot you know that? But you're a cute idiot_'. I remember thinking that this chick was crazy. Her name was Emily." She paused for a minute and her smile slowly started to fade away. "We dated for a few years and eventually moved in together. I was so in love with her. She just got me you know? She was my best friend and my first love. She showed me what real love was and not that phony shit in those romance novels. "She paused and let out a shaky breath. "When her mother died of cancer she slowly began to shut me out. She was like a total zombie. The eyes that once looked at me with so much love and admiration had turned hollow and lifeless. She started eventually drinking all the time to forget everything. One day I got fed up with everything and confronted her. I told her that I couldn't watch her slowly slip away from me day by day. She got mad and stormed out our apartment saying that I couldn't possibly understand what she was going through." I watched as a tear ran down her cheek. "A few hours later I got a call saying that she had been in a car crash and was in critical condition. Once I got to the hospital they told me that there was nothing they could do to save her and she only had minutes to live. I remember walking into her room and seeing her all bloody and cut. Once she realized I was in the room she looked over at me as tears ran down her face. "

**Flashback**

_Emily looked up at me with tears in her eyes and a tight smile on her face. I could tell that she was hurting. "How do I look?"_

_I walked over to her and grabbed her bloody hand. I kissed her knuckles and gave her a watery smile. "Beautiful as always babe."_

_She shook her head and attempted to laugh. "You always were a shitty liar."_

"_Emily. I'm scared I can't live without you." I choked out._

_She squeezed my hand and shook her head. "No. You can live without me. I was always your first love but I was never your forever. You have to promise me that you will move on Ashley and find your true love."_

_She placed her battered hand on my cheek and rubbed small circles with the pad of her thumb. I began to slowly sob. "I promise."_

"_None of this is your fault Ashley. I can see in your eyes that you feel guilty. You couldn't help me. It was too late. I just didn't want to be saved."_

_I slowly shook my head and cried harder. "I'm so sorry. I should have tried harder. If I would have never-"_

_She quickly cut me off. "No. I was an idiot. But at least I was a cute one right?" she said with a genuine smile._

_I nodded my head and leaned down to softly kiss her knowing that would be the last kiss we ever shared. It was the best kiss because we put all of the love that we had for one another in that one kiss. As I pulled back we smiled at each other with tears running down our faces. Suddenly the machine started to beep and she began to shake. I watched as the nurses and doctors rushed in to try to revive her but it was too late. The last thing I heard before everything turned black was the flat line of the machine._

**End of flashback**

"That was the last thing she said to me."

I didn't even hesitate to hold her in my arms and rock back and forth. We both cried together. Both of us crying for her pain and lost love. We sit there crying for what seems like forever but in reality is only a few minutes. She slowly begins to calm down and so do I. Her head is buried in my neck and I can feel her hot breath on my ear. I feel a shiver run down my spine as I feel her lips moving against my skin. I finally register that she said something. "What did you say?"

"I said truth or dare."

I pulled back and looked at her confused. She just told me the most intimate thing and now she wants to keep playing a silly game? "Ash we really don't have to play anymore."

She shakes her head. "Just answer the question please?"

I can hear the desperation and vulnerability in her voice. Well there is no way I'm telling another truth. I sigh and answer her. "Dare"

She looks intently into my eyes as if she were trying to see into my soul.

"I dare you to kiss me."

I'm a little surprised at the moment. I can't believe she just said that_. But you know you want to_.

Without hesitation I lean in and connect our lips in a blissful kiss.

_I am truly in heaven_.

* * *

Hey guys. I hope you are not too mad at me. I am mad at myself though. School has been hectic so I had to postpone the story for a while. But I'm back now! Yay! Well I hope you guys liked this chapter. It even brought me to tears writing it. Review and tell me what should happen next because I'm a little stuck. So please R&R and I will update as soon as possible!


	15. My Love

**Imaferrari- Yeah her story was tragic. Emily was just her first step on her right path to love. I'm glad that it ended with the dare too. Thanks for reviewing!**

**JustLikeBrookeDavis- I am really honored that you like the story. I hope you continue to read it! Thanks for the review.**

**IaMaFaLlEnDaRkAnGeL- Thanks!**

**A Mind That Sits Still- Anna may pop back up into the story. I haven't really decided yet. That would be an interesting chapter though. Thanks for the review!**

**KathleenDee- Yay! I'm glad that you like it and it's great to be back. I try to make Spencer and Ashley seem as real as possible because in my mind they are real Haha! Thanks for reviewing!**

**GODLOVE- Thanks!**

**Psawyer1, IaMaFaLlEnDaRkAnGeL, Doesitmeanjustice, arise11, Tiff18, A Mind That Sits Still, punkerocker07, silentearscream, Spashley4ever4, Tink66, and I can't think of a good pen- Thanks for the favorites and alerts!**

**Here is this week's chapter. I hope you like it! Ashley's POV**

**My Love**

* * *

I can't believe that I finally got to kiss Spencer. It was everything that I dreamt it would be. I have never felt so alive than I did in that moment. What made it all better is that _she_ kissed _me_. That must mean that she has some kind of feelings for me right? _Maybe she only did it because you dared her Ashley._ No that couldn't true. I know she feels this electric connection that we have. At least I hope she does. I will talk to her about it when she comes over later. We didn't get a chance to talk about the kiss yesterday because her brother came home early. So I decided to give them some privacy and promised her that we would talk tomorrow. The entire ride home I smiled so hard that my jaw almost locked up on me. There was no way that I could get any sleep after something as epic as that happened. I think I freaked Kyla out a little with all my smiling.

A knock at the door brings me out of my thoughts. "Come in."

Kyla walks into my room with a knowing smile on her face. "Hey Spencer is here. I just buzzed her up"

"Thanks Ky." I rush past her to go answer the door. When I open it I see a glowing Spencer Carlin on the other side of the door with a smile on her face. Her blue eyes are brighter today than I thought they would be. After the kiss I expected her to be nervous around me and everything would be tense. I pull her into a hug and drag her into the living room.

"Wow Spence you look beautiful today"

She blushes and sits down next to me on the couch. "Thanks. So what are we going to do today?"

"Well I was thinking that we could talk and then watch some movies maybe? And if you're lucky I will cook for you."

"Cook? Ash are you trying to kill me? If you hadn't noticed I just got out of the hospital and I'm not really ready to go back anytime soon."

"Hardy har har. I'm a great cook thank you very much. Just ask Kyla"

She looks around the room. "Where is she anyway? She just buzzed me up."

"Oh she is in her room getting ready for some date tonight." As if on cue my sister walks around the corner.

"I heard my name"

"Hey Kyla. You look really pretty, hot date?"

"Yeah something like that. So what are you guys going to do today?"

"Well Ash and I are just going to hang out and enjoy each other's company." She said looking at me with a small smile. I looked at Kyla and saw her giving me a knowing look. I really wish I knew what she was thinking sometimes.

"Okay so I guess that I will see you two later. Don't wait up for me Ash." She yelled before she slammed the door behind her.

I looked over at Spencer with a sudden giddiness to finally be alone with her. "So movies?"

She shook her head at my randomness and giggled. "Sure"

* * *

Okay so don't ask me how we got here but at some point in the movie Spencer and I were practically on top of each other. She was halfway sitting in my lap with her head on my shoulder. I had my arms wrapped tightly around her and rested my chin on the top of her head. I could smell the shampoo in her hair. It smelled like cherry blossoms. I sighed at the thought of how content I was. I felt so calm and peaceful despite the fact that we were watching a horror movie. I am broken out of my thoughts by the blond beauty in my lap.

"Hey Ash?"

"Hmm?"

"Are we going to talk about the kiss?"

I paused the movie and shifted so that I could look at her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"At first I didn't but just now I was thinking that maybe we should."

"Well what about the kiss do you want to talk about?"

She sighed and looked down her hands. "I don't know"

"Well do you regret the kiss?"

She looked up at me as soon as I asked and stared into my eyes searching. I don't really know what she was searching for but I guess she found her answer as she shook her head. "No." She sighed and then chuckled softly. "How can I when that's all I've wanted to do since the day that I ran into you?"

Wow that long? So this whole time she has had feelings for me? How did I not notice that? I guess I was so wrapped up in Judy's scheme to really realize. "So are you saying that you have feelings for me?"

"Yes I have feelings for you. You want to know the funny thing about this?"

"What's that?"

She looked back down at her hands again. A little hesitant about what to say. "Th-The night that I tried to kill myself…..I was going to tell you how I felt about you and tell you about the accident."

Damn. I was feeling a mixture of guilt and anger. I was angry at Judy and I was angry at myself for what I did. "I'm so sorry Spence. If I could take it all back I would." Although a part of me is glad that I did what I did because it brought me closer to this beautiful girl in my arms.

"I know that you're sorry. I just hate that so much time was wasted. Time that we could have spent together."

"Yeah. Well if you want you could tell me now."

"I don't even know where to start."

"Well tell me about your parents. What were they like?"

She sighed and looked out my window with this faraway look. "Well my mom was a surgeon and my dad was a therapist. My mom and I never had a really good relationship. I was closer to my dad because I was more like him. Glen was always closer to mom. I feel like Glen blames me for the accident sometimes eventhough he won't admit it."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I was the reason that she wasn't paying attention to the road. She was yelling at me for sneaking out of the house and going to a party with Anna."

I could see tears falling from her eyes. She quickly wiped them away. "So your dad is still alive?"

"Yeah. We moved here because there was a specialist that could help him. He has been in a coma since the accident. That is one of the main reasons I was so ready to get out of the hospital. My dad was in the same hospital as me and I couldn't bear to go see him. I just kept thinking that it was my fault that he was there in the first place."

She broke down in my arms not able to hold the tears in anymore. I rocked her and whispered comforting words to her. We stayed that way until she cried herself to sleep. I held her and thought about all the pain that she must feel every day. Her shirt had ridden up a bit revealing scars from her cutting. How long has she been doing this to herself? Why hadn't I noticed? After a while of holding her I decided to let her sleep and went down the hall to my music room. I was having a moment of inspiration and I began to play the piano. I don't know how long I was in there but when I looked up I saw the sun setting. Maybe I should check on Spencer. I got up and went back into the living room to find the couch Spencerless. Where is she? I looked outside and saw that her car was still in the driveway. Hmm. Where could she be? I then checked the kitchen and then checked all the bedrooms and bathroom. No sign of her. Okay this girl is good at hide and seek. "Spencer?" I then heard a muffled "In Here". I made my way back into the music room to find her sitting at the piano reading my music book.

"Hey how long have you been up?"

She looked away from the book and looked at me. "Not long. I heard you playing and followed the music."

"Oh. Sorry if I woke you."

"No. You sounded great actually. Do you right your own music?"

"Yeah. I actually wrote all those songs in that book."

She looked at me with astonishment and then returned her gaze back to my song book. "Wow these are really good." She closed the book and ran her fingers over the name on the cover. "So all of these songs are about Emily?"

"Most of them are. I was just recently inspired to write new ones."

"Will you play a song for me?"

I debated whether I should or not but decided why not. "Sure. Any requests?" I walked over to the piano and sat next to her.

"Will you play one of the songs that you wrote about Emily?"

I sighed and nodded knowing just the song to play. My fingers began to effortlessly slide across the keys playing the song that I wrote after Emily died.

My love, leave yourself behind  
Beat inside me, leave you blind  
My love, you have found peace  
You were searching for release

You gave it all into the call  
You took a chance and  
You took the fall for us

You came thoughtfully  
Loved me faithfully  
You taught me honor  
You did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good  
You will wait for me, my love

Now I am strong, you gave me all  
You gave all you had  
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind  
Beat inside me, leave you blind  
My love, look what you can do  
I am mending, I'll be with you

You took my hand and added a plan  
You gave me your heart  
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly  
Did what you could release  
Ah, ooh

I know in peace you go  
I hope relief is yours

Now I am strong, you gave me all  
You gave all you had  
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind  
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

As I played the final notes to the song I could feel tears slowly fall down my face. I looked over at Spencer and she looked the same way, tears running down her face. She cupped my face and gently wiped my tears away with the pad of her thumb. I leaned into her touch and kissed the palm of her hand.

"Thank you Ash. That song was beautiful. Now I know how much you love her and why you still carry her with you."

I slowly shook my head. "No. I will always love her but I let her go the moment that I saw you. I-I love you Spencer."

She looked deep into my eyes and a smile slowly formed on her lips. She leaned forward and hesitantly kissed me. This kiss started out soft and slow and then became more passionate. We both poured all of the love that we felt for each other into this one kiss. This kiss said what she couldn't or wasn't ready to say. She loved me too.

* * *

**Sorry for the delay guys. I had a bad case of writers block and was then inspired to write again by some of the stories that I was reading. Anyways this story is coming to an end. There are only a few chapters left of this story. I would really like your input about the story and what you want to happen or think is going to happen. Is Spencer going to finally open up completely to Ashley or will she close back up and push Ashley away? You tell me. Please R&R. Until next week! The song in this chapter is My Love by Sia.**


End file.
